If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Coffee for people with no kids
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this