bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Have kids, they said
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood