I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs