Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese