My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead