me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad