I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10