My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.