@delusionaliam

Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire’s heart works even if a guy is not a vampire.

@delusionaliam

Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it’ll eat for weeks!

@delusionaliam

“Hey! check out my new ink” *removes shirt, stands naked*

“Dude!, I don’t see anything”

“It’s invisible ink”

@delusionaliam

If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.

@delusionaliam

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

@delusionaliam

I always carry a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks, here, have some.”