Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
i baked you a cake
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.