[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.