When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.