My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Wolves should really raise more people.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.