The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
