I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
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New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
The happy life.. 😊
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?