I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.