I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee