Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you