So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
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I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd