her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
*seductively eats two tums*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.