How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.