When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.