My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.