Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
My dream car is a taco truck.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.