Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
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$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them