“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*