Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
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Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Coffee for people with no kids
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.