(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
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Ron is short for Aaronald
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Okay
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode