How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
You Might Also Like
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
peeping toms
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!