Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*