*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!