Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?