It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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Just why bro?!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
never forget
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though