me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
This kinda thing happens to me often
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel