Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!