Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.