Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.