I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*