“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.