12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it