scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.