Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
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[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Hotels are back
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken