If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: Good night Moon
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.