Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
won’t smith
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.