Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.