My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
This is Sparta
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.