Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.