DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill