Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
iPhone X
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.