@donttouchjames

[about to have sex]

her: can we listen to something other than m-

me: monster mash stays on

@donttouchjames

wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see

@donttouchjames

me: have kids they said. it’ll be fun they said

maternity nurse: hey put those babies back

@donttouchjames

[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here

@donttouchjames

me: i want to be inside of u so bad

gym manager: [through the glass] sir we’re not open

@donttouchjames

what if peach and bowser were married the whole time and we were really just controlling a paranoid schizophrenic plumber trying to kidnap his old highschool girlfriend

@donttouchjames

detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer

me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway

detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead

@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@donttouchjames

cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all