My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute